Mister Switzerland
by Miss Edelstein
Summary: Switzerland decides to teach Liechtenstein a very important lesson about life before Valentine's Day, which she'll be spending with Sealand. Add Philippines, Hungary, Seychelles, Belgium and Ukraine, and well, let's just hope they make it out alive! SeaLiech, SwitzerlandxPhilippines, implied USUK in second chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! So, I was watching a video on YouTube (search YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE, posted by MrKingofNorway1) when I thought of this! I'm sorry if anyone's OOC, especially Switzerland and Liechy (pronounced "licky," and it's a nickname given to her by Philippines, my OC, or Dalisay Flores)! If anyone's OOC here, it's most likely the two of them, but mostly Switzerland! Sorry 'bout that! Anyway, I'm most likely going to be updating this by tomorrow or Wednesday, and then the third and final chapter (just a little epilogue) will probably be the day after that! Oh, and in this story, Liechtenstein and Sealand are both fifteen years old!**

"All right, Lili," Switzerland started, leading Liechtenstein outside, where he had set up a chalkboard and a desk. "Now, in light of recent events…"

Liechtenstein blushed. A few days ago, Switzerland had overheard her and Sealand's Valentine's Day plans, and he had gone nuts. Tomorrow was Valentine's Day, and while Liechtenstein had managed to get Switzerland to allow her to spend the afternoon with Sealand, it had to be at the house, with him and a few others chaperoning. Hungary, Philippines, Belgium, Seychelles and Ukraine had all volunteered, which was an advantage, because they knew how much she liked Sealand. Unfortunately, Switzerland didn't trust any of them (except Philippines, but Liechtenstein had a feeling that she knew why), so no doubt her big brother would have a gun aimed at Sealand's head the whole day. Don't get her wrong, though. She loved her big brother, and she loved how protective he was, but she was getting older, and he should know that falling in love was bound to happen.

"…I've realized that you need to be more educated about certain things. Things that you will no doubt encounter as you grow older, not just as a nation, but as a human. Now-" Switzerland pointed to the desk as a gesture for her to sit, and he took a piece of chalk and drew a stick figure of her, "this is you." Above the stick figure, he wrote her human name. He then drew another stick figure beside the other one. "And this is Sealand." He wrote "Peter" above the male stick figure. "One day, which might be very soon, he will want to touch you and take off your clothes."

Liechtenstein's mouth dropped open. Was he going to give her the "talk"?

"And he may want to go even further like the selfish bastard he is. So, you have to know how to protect yourself. But you can't protect yourself until you know the facts. So, first fact is: if you have sex, you will die. It's as simple as that. So many things can go wrong when two people have sex. You could get AIDS or HIV, and don't ask me about either of those diseases, because it doesn't matter. You will die." Switzerland ignored Liechtenstein's horrified look, and turned to the board to draw something that looked like a cucumber in between the male stick figure's legs. "That is a penis. He might try to use it against you. But don't worry, Lili. I'll teach you everything you need to know to defend yourself."

"Really, big brother, I'm sure it's not necessary-" Liechtenstein began when Switzerland held up his hand.

"It is necessary. You are a very pretty girl, Lili, and people will try to take advantage of you. If they see you stumble or show a small sign of weakness, they will take the first chance they get to destroy you." Switzerland cleared his throat and pointed to the board, much to Liechtenstein's horror. "Now, like I said, that is a penis. Because it's Sealand, it'll probably be small, but that doesn't matter. It can be a weapon of mass destruction if used in that way. He will try to use it to take away your innocence, but luckily, I've got something to help you." Switzerland took a black object out of his pocket, and Liechtenstein gasped when she saw that it was a gun.

"Big brother! I will not shoot Sealand!" Liechtenstein cried, and Switzerland grit his teeth.

"You must if he hurts you! If you let him rape you, you will die! You will either contract AIDS or HIV, or get pregnant, but either way, you will die!"

"But plenty of people get pregnant!" Liechtenstein protested. She hated arguing with Switzerland, even though it was rare.

"People who aren't nations," Switzerland said, trying to remain calm. "We must keep going with the lesson before Sealand arrives tomorrow. Now, if you ever see Sealand's penis, you shoot it, or you will die. If you don't, your eyes will burn, and you will die. If you become pregnant, during labor, your back will break and you will die. If you kiss, germs from his mouth will infect you, and you will die. If you have sex and he has a condom, it will break and you will die…" He kept talking and waving his arms around like a maniac.

She wished she had the guts to speak, but she didn't. She also wished that Switzerland would stop saying that she would die if she didn't do certain things, like shoot Sealand's… vital regions.

"So, do you understand? If any kind of sexual intercourse happens, you will die. That's that," said Switzerland, and he waited for Liechtenstein to respond. "Do you understand, Lili?"

"Yes, big brother," Liechtenstein said, her voice tiny. Switzerland gave a small, satisfied smile.

"Lunch will be ready in twenty minutes. Make sure you greet Philippines and Hungary when they arrive in fifteen," Switzerland told her, and he walked away quickly to start making lunch for him, her, and their two guests. Belgium and Ukraine were arriving in the evening, while Seychelles would arrive early the next morning.

Liechtenstein felt a bit better at the fact that Philippines and Hungary were arriving soon. She had to tell them what happened. She knew that they would understand how frustrated she was with her big brother. She knew that he was protective, but this was pushing it.

She looked down at the gun that Switzerland had left on the desk. She had an urge to throw it from the top of the mountains, but she knew that Switzerland would be angry, even if he didn't express that anger at her. She decided that she would hide it in the back of her closet so hopefully she would forget that he ever gave her the gun.

She gasped when she realized she had to go greet Philippines and Hungary. She ran through the garden and into the house, where she passed Switzerland, who was making sandwiches. She dashed past the staircase and to the front door, which she flung open to see Philippines and Hungary walking up the pathway to the porch.

"Liechy! Kumusta!" Philippines grinned, dropping her suitcase on the ground to rush up to her and give her a hug. Liechtenstein laughed at the nickname the Filipina gave her.

"How are you, Lili?" Hungary asked, smiling at Liechtenstein.

"I'm fine, except you will not believe what big brother was talking to me about just a few minutes ago," said Liechtenstein, and Philippines looked at her curiously.

"What'd he say?" she asked, sounding much too eager to find out the answer.

"He told me that if I have sex, I will die."

Philippines's and Hungary's mouths dropped open. Liechtenstein internally giggled. That was her reaction too.

"Who the hell tells that to a fifteen year old girl?" Hungary asked incredulously, and Philippines burst out laughing.

"No offense, Liechy, but that's hilarious!"

Philippines and Liechtenstein giggled together for a few seconds. Even she had to admit that it was rather silly of her big brother. She was no longer frustrated; in fact, she was rather amused.

"He also told me that if I kiss, I'll be infected by germs from Sealand's mouth, and I will die," said Liechtenstein, smiling, and Philippines burst into another fit of laughter. "I think big brother is playing teacher. I'll call him Mr. Switzerland. After all, he does know his facts." She and Hungary looked amusedly at Philippines before the smaller European country winked innocently at Hungary. "But if people who kiss each other die, then why aren't Dalisay and big brother dead yet?"

Philippines immediately stopped laughing and blushed profusely behind her glasses.

"What? We- we never- We've never-" Philippines stuttered, shocked. "Let's go inside now," she said in a quiet, embarrassed voice a moment later, and she picked up her suitcase and practically sprinted inside, leaving Liechtenstein and Hungary laughing on the porch.

**Well, that was my fail attempt at humor. How was it? Please no flames, and if you think this should be rated M, please tell me! I don't think it's that bad, though. It's only a penis! Hahahahaha, sorry, sorry, I've got a filthy mind :D Please review! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh my God, I am so sorry! I had no idea that the second chapter would be this long! That's why it took so long to write! Please forgive me! This chapter will not be as funny as the first (at least I don't think it will be), but I hope you all still like it, and I hope nobody is OOC. Also, in this story, Seychelles is Victoria, Belgium is Charlotte and Ukraine is Irunya Chernenko. I'm sorry for their so-little amount of dialogue, but at least I managed to have them say something. Anyway, here it is, and I'm warning you that the author's note at the end is long, but please read it! It has a lot of important info!**

Liechtenstein's eyes fluttered open at exactly seven o'clock in the morning on Valentine's Day. She sat up, a grin on her face, before she realized what had happened the day before. She held in her laughter. Silly big brother.

She looked around her room to see Philippines leaning against the window, her mouth open slightly. She was still fast asleep, like everyone else except Liechtenstein. Hungary was sleeping next to Philippines, her cheek pressed against the wall. Belgium and Ukraine were both in sleeping bags that were placed next to Liechtenstein's bed, and Seychelles, who ended up getting an earlier flight that arrived at midnight, was sleeping at the foot of her bed with the tip of her hair touching the floor.

Suddenly, Philippines let out a squeak, and Liechtenstein watched curiously as her cheeks got redder. After a moment, Philippines opened her eyes and looked around until she met Liechtenstein's gaze. They waved at each other.

"Want me to wake everyone up?" Philippines whispered, and Liechtenstein was about to shake her head when she paused for a moment. If Philippines didn't, Switzerland would, and it probably wouldn't be in a very pleasant way. She nodded yes, and the Filipina grinned.

"Magandang umaga sa inyong lahat!" Philippines shouted cheerfully, and the girls who were sleeping immediately woke up.

"Italy tops Germany? That doesn't make sense!" Hungary burst out as she was woken from her yaoi-filled dreams.

"Oh Russia, it's not Belarus's fault!" Ukraine cried, and Belgium let out a gasp when she bit her tongue.

"That's not a waffle!"

Seychelles slowly sat up and opened her eyes. She tapped Liechtenstein's foot and the small European nation retracted her foot with a giggle.

"Sige, Liechy! Looks like they're all up now! Oh, and by the way, Elizabeta, Italy would top Germany the day that Germany turns into pasta!" Philippines said, and Hungary laughed. Liechtenstein and Belgium winked at each other. Philippines and Hungary were the most fanatic about yaoi, and they would often team up with Japan to take pictures of couples in extremely compromising positions. Liechtenstein was sure that she would never look at England the same way again after seeing a picture of him straddling a handcuffed America with a feral grin on his face and a British police cap on his head.

"You remember that picture too?" Seychelles asked, a knowing smile on her face. Liechtenstein realized that she had been blushing. She nodded, embarrassed, and Seychelles laughed lightly.

"Don't worry. I'll never un-see that either," the island nation said, and the two yaoi fanatics huffed in offense.

"That was a masterpiece!" Hungary protested, and Philippines gave Liechtenstein a thumbs-up.

"A good friend always helps their friends get laid," said Philippines, smiling proudly.

"Oh, you are so right, Dalisay!" Ukraine said, giggling, and she turned to Liechtenstein. "Then that means that you must help Dalisay and Vash get together!" Philippines's mouth dropped open.

"Where'd you get the idea that I like Switzerland?" the Filipina asked, her voice shaking in embarrassment.

"From the fact that you don't call him Vash like we do, and we all know that he would shoot us without a second thought, but he'd hesitate with you," said Belgium, giving Philippines a sly look. "So, how long have you loved him?"

Liechtenstein was jumping for joy inside. She was glad that somebody loved her brother (besides her, of course), and she was glad that it was one of her best friends. It was true, what Belgium said about Switzerland and how he would hesitate to shoot Philippines. Liechtenstein knew that everyone thought that her big brother had quite a temper, but he had soft spots for her and Philippines.

Everyone jumped when they heard knocking at the door.

"Lili, can you be ready in five minutes? I have to teach you something before Sealand comes this afternoon," Switzerland said from outside the door. Liechtenstein's cheeks reddened when she understood the double meaning, but she would've missed it if Philippines and Hungary hadn't giggled. "It's a very important lesson that ties in with yesterday's. I hope you remembered what I told you."

"If I have sex, I will die," Liechtenstein said in a monotone, and when Switzerland spoke next, she could tell that he was smiling proudly.

"Good girl," he said, though it was awkward. "Be in the kitchen in five minutes."

"Well, c'mon! Let's get going!" Philippines said, jumping up and opening her suitcase before picking her usual outfit of a white blouse and a floral skirt.

"She's just excited to see him so early in the morning. It's a whole new experience for her," Hungary joked.

"You know what? I might have to make breakfast. Seriously, last time I was here with you and Irunya, we had a slice of bread. That is not satisfying at all! It's a wonder Lili hasn't starved to death in this house!" Belgium exclaimed, and Liechtenstein frowned. Her brother was very frugal, but she always thought that it was a good thing.

"It's good to be frugal. I have to be, and I'm not starving to death," said Ukraine, and Liechtenstein smiled thankfully at the Ukrainian.

Belgium nodded. "I know it's a good thing, but not too frugal. Well, it doesn't matter. As long as you're both alive now, then it's fine. Anyway, I'll go make those waffles now!" She got up from the floor and left the room.

"Sige, I'm done!" Philippines said, walking out of the bathroom. "Hurry so Switzerland won't get mad if we're late! I hope I don't end up being late! Damn that stereotype even though it's true!"

Liechtenstein smiled. "It's not true. You managed to get on a plane from the United States and meet Hungary on time in Budapest."

"Well, besides that time, I'm always late. But c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Switzerland's waiting for us!" Philippines started jumping up and down. Seychelles walked over to Philippines and put her hands on the Filipina's shoulders.

"Dalisay! Calm down. Relax. We're fine. Charlotte's probably going to tell him that we won't be ready in five minutes, since she's already there," Seychelles said slowly, and Philippines's eyes widened comically, or at least comically in Liechtenstein's mind.

"She's already there? Oh my God, she saw him before I did! CHARLOTTE, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR SORRY BELGIAN ASS!" Philippines screamed, running out of the room.

"Sometimes, she reminds me of Belarus," Ukraine said wistfully, and promptly after that, Liechtenstein, Hungary and Seychelles choked on air.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Liechtenstein, Philippines, Hungary, Seychelles, Belgium and Ukraine were eating waffles in the kitchen. Switzerland was nowhere in sight, which made Liechtenstein a bit nervous. He was usually punctual. Her mind wandered as she wondered where he was when he suddenly appeared with a large poster in his hands and a gun attached to his belt.

"Big brother, why do you have a gun with you?" Liechtenstein asked, starting to get nervous. Switzerland didn't answer. He went up to the refrigerator and taped a large picture of Sealand to it. Around Sealand's "vital regions" were three circles that represented a target. Liechtenstein's mouth dropped open for what seemed to be the millionth time in just two days.

"In today's lesson, you will learn how to shoot a gun," said Switzerland, gesturing to the target, "with Sealand as your target."

"Oh my God!" Hungary burst out, while Philippines looked like she was caught between crying and laughing. Belgium and Seychelles just stared at Switzerland like he was crazy, and Ukraine gave Liechtenstein a sympathetic smile.

"I'll go get the gun," Liechtenstein said, sighing deeply. She had hoped to never look at it again, but it seemed that wasn't the case. Then again, with a big brother who's one of the biggest producers of guns in the world, she supposed that she should've known that she would be exposed to guns sooner or later.

She went up to her room as slowly as she could, staring down at her shoes and then her stockings and the hem of her dress. When she arrived at her room, she took more time to look around before going to the closet to dig the gun out from behind all the clothes that she kept over the years since Switzerland found her.

She held the gun loosely in her hand as she walked back to the kitchen. The black weapon felt cold and heavy in her hands, and she hated that she was holding such a dangerous weapon. She forced herself to think about how other nations have held much more weapons, and that she needed to be strong.

But the whole idea of Switzerland teaching her how to shoot a gun so she could shoot Sealand's vital regions was ridiculous! Did he really expect her to do that? Liechtenstein knew that Switzerland wouldn't hesitate to shoot anyone (save her and Philippines), but he should know her well enough by now to know that she wasn't going to shoot anyone's vital regions (especially Sealand's), even if they weren't doing something that she found agreeable. It was cruel and unusual punishment.

"There you are," said Switzerland as soon as she entered the kitchen. His face was slightly flushed with anger, as well as Hungary's face. Liechtenstein knew that they had probably been fighting while she was upstairs. "Now, we will start our lesson, with no interruptions whatsoever from Miss Hungary." He gave the Hungarian a death glare before giving Liechtenstein a soft look. "All right. Try shooting, and after that, I'll give you some pointers."

"Do I have to?" Liechtenstein asked in a small voice, and the look she got from Switzerland was all the answer she needed (and dreaded). Yes.

"I really don't think this is necessary," Philippines said to Switzerland. The Filipina stood up and pointed to Liechtenstein. "There's all of us to protect her if it does happen, and I know Peter well enough to know that he won't do anything to Lili."

Switzerland met Philippines's eyes for a few seconds before he shook his head. "This is necessary. I won't always be around to protect Lili, therefore, she needs to learn this. Lili, shoot. Aim for the middle."

"Aim for the vital regions," Hungary muttered bitterly from her seat at the table.

Liechtenstein held the gun with trembling fingers, and she wrapped one finger around the trigger and pulled it, but not before she closed her eyes. The sound of the bullet hitting the refrigerator made her jump. She opened her eyes and gasped when, to her awe, she had hit Sealand's vital regions. It had to have been a stroke of luck.

"Go Lili!" Philippines said, clapping, but giving her a sympathetic look when she noticed the scared and nervous look in the European nation's eyes. "That's it, right? No more shooting?"

"No, we're not done. Excellent job, Lili, but you cannot close your eyes, or you might just end up hurting someone. Now-" Switzerland started when Philippines winked at Liechtenstein. The Filipina put her hand on Switzerland's shoulder and smiled.

"Vash, how about we make sure that your security cameras all over the property are working? That way, if Lili's in danger, you can shoot Peter yourself," Philippines suggested, leaning closer to the red-faced Swiss. Switzerland reluctantly nodded his head.

"We'll continue this lesson another time," he said stiffly to her before being lead out of the kitchen by an excited Philippines.

Liechtenstein let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness Dalisay was able to persuade big brother into stopping the lesson for now."

"That bastard," Hungary growled. "If only I had my frying pan."

Belgium winced. "Thank God you don't."

"Where is it?" Liechtenstein asked curiously. Hungary always brought her frying pan, so it was strange to see her without it.

Seychelles and Ukraine smiled at each other, ignoring Hungary's angry stare. Liechtenstein guessed that her frying pan was either at the bottom of the ocean or buried deep in snow. True, Hungary could always just get another frying pan, but everyone knew how attached Hungary had been to that frying pan. It was like her baby. It probably had dents from Prussia's head because of the number of times his head made contact with the frying pan. Or rather, the number of times the frying pan made contact with Prussia's head by Hungary's hand.

"When is Sealand coming?" asked Belgium, and Liechtenstein grinned.

"He'll be here in the afternoon. He said no later than three o'clock," said Liechtenstein, and Belgium cocked her head to the side.

"Who's bringing him?" the Belgian asked, and Liechtenstein opened her mouth to answer when Philippines and Switzerland came back into the kitchen.

"Before Al has some quality time with Iggybrows, Artie's gotta drop Peter off!" Philippines said, grinning. "We get to see Iggybrows! Yay, I love him!"

"Someone's jelly," Hungary snickered quietly, and Liechtenstein smiled secretly. Switzerland's face had gone red again, and he moved a bit closer to Philippines, who looked thrilled at the thought of seeing the Briton.

"I thought you hated England, Dalisay," said Ukraine, looking confused.

"I used to, but ya know, after seeing him drunk, he definitely rubbed off on me," said Philippines, winking. Everybody's mouths dropped open, and Liechtenstein wished she had some tape to prevent her jaw from breaking if this kept happening.

"Dalisay Antonia Flores…" Hungary trailed off, and Philippines looked like she had been punched in the gut.

"Oh hell no! Not like that!" Philippines shouted, and everyone let out a breath in relief. The Filipina looked amused. "First of all, Iggybrows is definitely not my type, and secondly, I'm not the type of person to move in on someone else's territory, especially Alfred's. So, you know, I'm not quite sure if I should be offended."

"You should be," said Seychelles, patting Philippines's shoulder. "We shouldn't have assumed, especially since you love V-"

Liechtenstein's eyes widened, and she quickly cut off Seychelles. "Big brother, I'm finished with breakfast. Excuse me, everybody." She made quick eye contact with Philippines before rushing out of the kitchen, giggling to herself. A moment later, Philippines caught up to her with a breathless laugh.

"Salamat, Liechy. If you hadn't said something, Victoria would've just told Switzerland that I love him," Philippines said.

"Your welcome, Dalisay. We all know that Victoria has the tendency to blurt things out. Not on purpose, but-"

"I know," said Philippines, smiling. "Now, on to important matters. Well, they're not really important to me, but probably to you since Peter's coming. But seriously, are you going to just wear the same dress that you normally wear? This is a matter of like, utmost importance and damn, I totally just sounded like Poland right there. Fuck! Oh, sorry, please excuse my language, Liechy."

"Don't worry, I'm used to hearing swearing," said Liechtenstein, giggling again. "My brother swears enough when he thinks no one is listening for a dozen clones of Romano."

"I bet he does," said Philippines dreamily, and Liechtenstein shook her head. Why did people consider it "hot" when other people swore? She'd never understand adults.

* * *

It was one thirty in the afternoon when Sealand arrived. Liechtenstein's waited near the front door since she finished changing into a purple dress that matched the purple ribbon that Switzerland had bought for her. She smiled and hugged him quickly before she noticed that America and England were behind him.

"Hey, Liechy!" America said, grinning. She smiled. Besides Philippines, he was the only other person to call her that.

"Don't be rude, Alfred," England snapped before turning to Liechtenstein with a kind expression. "Good afternoon, Liechtenstein. How are you?"

"Dude, you're here! You and Iggybrows!" Philippines shouted from behind her, and the Filipina jumped onto the American to give him a huge hug.

"Of course I'm here! I'm the hero, and the hero must help escort his boyfriend's kid to his girlfriend's house!" said America, giving Philippines a thumbs-up. Liechtenstein and Sealand both blushed at America's comment. He thought that she and Sealand were _dating. _It was a pretty good thing to imagine, though she knew Switzerland wouldn't like it one bit.

"Peter isn't my kid, you git! And you're not the hero!" England smacked America upside the head, and America dopily grinned at the Briton.

"But am I your hero?" the American asked, and England sighed, knowing that if he didn't answer yes, America would never shut up.

"Yes," England muttered, and America smirked.

"I so knew it. You knew that I was Artie's hero, right, Dalisay? Lili?"

Philippines and Liechtenstein both nodded and were about to respond when Switzerland spoke from behind them.

"What the hell are you two doing here?" he asked, reaching for his gun.

"We're dropping off Sealand. No need to get upset, Switzerland," said England politely, and America laughed.

"Calm your hormones, bro! You need to chillax! We're not gonna kidnap Liechy or something like that!"

America and Liechtenstein laughed while Philippines smiled softly at Switzerland.

"Put the gun down, Vash. They're only dropping them off-" Philippines started when she lit up with an idea. "Can they stay? Please, please, please, Vash!" The Filipina grabbed Switzerland's hand and looked at him with her best puppy-dog expression. America winked at Liechtenstein, and she smirked slightly. She knew that Switzerland always fell prey to the puppy-dog expression, but only if delivered by her or Philippines. Switzerland started to nod yes when England cleared his throat.

"We won't be staying. Alfred and I will be seeing the sights until nine o'clock, which is when we'll be picking Sealand up," the Briton said, and both America and Philippines looked crestfallen until they realized what it meant for him and England. Philippines winked and made kissy faces into her palm.

"Shut up, Dalisay!" America laughed, and Philippines grinned.

"Babe, you know I love you," she said, and they hugged one more time before Switzerland cleared his throat, gently tugging Philippines's arm so she was standing beside him.

"Love ya too," America said, blowing her a kiss as England dragged him off the porch. "Mahal kita!"

"Mahal kita!" Philippines shouted, and Liechtenstein was surprised America even remembered the Filipino phrase.

"Have a good time, Peter! Nice seeing you again, Liechtenstein, Philippines, Switzerland!" England called.

"Trust me, Iggybrows, you'll be seeing much more of me," Philippines assured him with an amused smile before she and America guffawed loudly. Liechtenstein swore that Switzerland would pop a vein in his neck if he kept tensing up like that. She worried about her brother sometimes.

"So, what do you want to do, Lili?" Sealand asked nervously, and Liechtenstein turned her attention to him. She hadn't even noticed how nervous she was herself until now. Liechtenstein blushed and looked at Switzerland.

"Big brother, is lunch ready?" she asked, and he nodded. Liechtenstein gestured for Sealand to follow her to the kitchen, where she assumed they'd be eating, until Philippines turned her around and shook her head.

"You guys'll be having a romantic picnic in the garden, _without _supervision," Philippines said, grinning widely before giving Switzerland a stern glance. "Right, Vash?" Liechtenstein knew that Philippines was probably enjoying using Switzerland's human name.

"Yes. When you finish, you two can either watch a movie or do whatever you want around the house as long as it does not involve sexua-"

"I picked out this awesome movie that I think you'll both enjoy," Philippines interrupted swiftly, giving Switzerland another stern glance and winking at Liechtenstein, "if you're both up to it. We'll see after you two lovebirds finish eating."

"All right. Thanks, Dalisay," said Sealand, and he held his hand out to Liechtenstein. "Shall we?" She swore that she heard a click of a camera, but she shook her head at the thought. It didn't matter anyway.

Liechtenstein smiled and took his hand. This was going to be a perfect afternoon. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Happy Valentine's Day," said Sealand, and they both ran off to the garden, but not before she heard Philippines gasp loudly.

"Oh my God, I forgot that it's Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day, Vash! Now I need to call Alfred and Iggybrows, and I need to find Liz, Vicky, Charlotte and Irunya!"

* * *

"You got that picture of Lili and Peter, right?" Hungary asked Philippines, who grinned and took out her camera.

"I was as stealthy as a fox," the Filipina told her. "I don't think either of them noticed me. Well, Lili might have, but Peter didn't. But anyway, they are so cute together! I'm so glad that we have those video cameras in the garden and all around the house."

"I know," said Hungary, smiling when she saw Peter blush as Liechtenstein touched his hand. "Young love. So adorable. Not as adorable as yaoi, but still adorable."

"I feel like such a stalker," Philippines said, pretending to tear up.

Hungary played along. "But we just can't help ourselves. They're just so cute. They're like chocolate cake. I just wanna eat 'em up like Charlotte's waffles and Matthew's pancakes."

"I think they're like shark and calamari. I just wanna rip their faces off and eat 'em like a cannibal even though technically, if they were shark and calamari, I wouldn't be a cannibal," said Philippines, and they both burst out in laughter.

"Speaking of faces, do you know where Victoria, Charlotte and Irunya are?" asked Hungary, and Philippines shook her head.

"No. I wanted to tell them 'Happy Valentine's Day' but I couldn't find them. Oh, by the way, Liz, Happy Valentine's Day," Philippines said, grinning, and they hugged for a moment before they both turned back to the screen to watch Liechtenstein and Sealand.

* * *

Liechtenstein was having a very good time with Sealand so far. They had gone through their picnic with no interruptions from Switzerland (much to her and Sealand's surprise), and no interruptions from Philippines, Hungary, Seychelles, Belgium and Ukraine. Also surprising. However, she knew her friends much better than they thought, so she knew that Hungary had probably set up video cameras around the house (doubling the security, which was probably the only reason that Switzerland allowed her to install the cameras), and the Hungarian and Filipina were probably watching her and Sealand right now.

"What's wrong?" asked Sealand, noticing how quiet Liechtenstein had become.

"It's nothing, Peter," she said, and he scoffed.

"Please. I know when something's up with you, Lili. You can tell me. I won't say anything." Sealand took her hand and smiled at her.

"Well, there's nothing wrong, but I was just thinking that it's suspicious that we haven't been interrupted by anybody yet, namely big brother, Dalisay and Elizabeta, though Victoria, Charlotte and Irunya are probably spying on us too."

"Did Hungary set up video cameras?" Sealand asked, starting to get annoyed, and Liechtenstein nodded.

"I think so. Even if she didn't, big brother has his security cameras to spy on us," Liechtenstein said, smiling sadly, and Sealand squeezed her hand.

"How about we find the cameras and throw them in the woods?" he asked, laughing, though she knew he was serious, and Liechtenstein's eyes widened in shock.

"Big brother and Elizabeta won't like that one bit," she warned him, and he laughed harder.

"So? Live a little, Lili!" He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before running off. She touched her hand to her cheek, blushing for a moment before she ran after him, deciding that he was right. She did have to live a little.

* * *

"Oh, this is war!" Hungary cried. "Treason on Lili's part!" Philippines had burst out laughing when Sealand and Liechtenstein set out to find the cameras.

"Hey, Hungary!" Philippines grinned, waving her hand in front of the Hungarian's face and winking. "Live a little."

"Shut up! He's going to be the death of me! It's a wonder England puts up with him!" Hungary said, sounding both angry and amused.

"He's a nice boy, if not, you know, influenced by moi and Alfred," said Philippines. She's known Sealand for at least thirty years now, mostly because of America, who thought that Sealand was a riot. The first time Philippines had met the micronation, she had thought that Sealand was America and England's love child. But when she went to England's house with a balloon that said "It's a Boy," England had screamed at her that he had never been pregnant, and never would be because he was a man (though Philippines made a good argument as to why he was not the man of a relationship, if said relationship was with America), and men didn't get pregnant. But that was a story for another time.

"I cannot believe he has the balls to ruin my beloved cameras!" Hungary looked like she was about to rip her hair out.

"He won't have any balls when I'm done with him," Switzerland growled from the doorway with a large gun in his hands. Philippines drooled at the sight of him for a few seconds before she realized that he was going to shoot Sealand.

"Vash, no!" Philippines ran and knocked the gun out of his hands. She put her hands on his shoulders and shook him roughly. "You can't shoot Peter! First of all, I love that kid, and second of all, Iggy's gonna kill you if you kill his kid- I mean, brother."

"She's right, Vash. You can't just shoot people, even if they destroyed your beloved equipment and it hurts almost as much as Austria denying the love he feels for Prussia and having to deal with the sexual tension, which I might add is an incredible amount," Hungary said passionately. "Seriously, I was sad when Roderich and I divorced, but seeing him denying his feelings for Gilbert feels like getting hit by a train. Underwater. Naked. And getting run over by the train. And drowning because it's underwater."

"Beautiful description, Liz." Philippines clapped and smiled at Switzerland. "How about we just let them have some fun? C'mon, they're young. Well, younger than us. Let 'em live." She leaned closer, her eyes gleaming brightly as she let her fingers trail down his arms. He had to say yes…

"Fine. I won't shoot Sealand for destroying my security cameras and Hungary's video cameras, but if he lays one finger on a part of her that's not appropriate, then I will shoot him." Switzerland groaned when Philippines gave him a warning look. "I won't shoot him."

"Good. Now, how about we-"

"Lili! Don't touch that raccoon! If you do, you will get rabies, and you will die!" Switzerland shouted before the camera showing Liechtenstein and the raccoon was smashed by Sealand. "I'M GOING TO SHOOT HIS PENIS!"

**So, what'd ya think? The next chapter _will _be out by tonight or by tomorrow, that I can promise you. If it's not, well, don't worry about a punishment for me, I'll probably hurt myself. ;D *chants to self: not masochistic, not masochistic, not masochistic...* I'm not, don't worry! I'll just be really angry at myself if the chapter's not out by tomorrow! Anyway, if you didn't get the double meaning, or see the double meaning that Philippines and Hungary were giggling about (the one that Lili would've missed if Dalisay and Elizabeta didn't have such dirty minds), well, I'll repeat it: before Sealand _comes. _If you still don't get it, you will when you're older. If you haven't noticed, I have a dirty mind! Seriously, whenever somebody says "part" or "thing", I laugh. But so do my friends, so I'm not the only one! And they claim to be innocent... Not like that! Oh my God, they are innocent like that, but not when it comes to double meanings! Also, "magandang umaga sa inyong lahat" is Filipino for "good morning, everybody" or "good morning to you all," "mahal kita" means "I love you," "salamat" means "thank you" and, "sige" is Filipino for "okay" or "go ahead" but in the context for which it was used, I meant for it to mean "okay." The stereotype that was mentioned is the stereotype that says that all Filipinos are late (like to meetings and that kind of stuff). I doubt it's true for all Filipinos, though it is for my mom. The next/last chapter will be very short, probably won't even hit the 500-word mark, but it's how I imagined this story would end. Also, if you want to read a one-shot about Philippines going to England's house thinking that he and America had a kid (aka Sealand), then please tell me, and I'll try working on it before I update Shotacon Therapy or Tongue Tied! Anyway, please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, this is the last chapter of Mr. Switzerland! I hope you all enjoyed reading! Oh, and by the way, just a warning to younger readers, this may not be entirely appropriate, but it is not M. At least I don't think it would be. It's just a very, very strong T. Anyway, here it is!**

Philippines giggled as Switzerland pressed her up against the wall, kissing her neck. They were in the shadows of the westernmost hallway in the house, outside Switzerland's room, where nobody would interrupt them. And, thankfully, Philippines happened to know where all of Hungary's video cameras were, so they avoided those areas.

"Va- Vash…" she moaned, and he kissed her lips once more. Her fingers were entangled in his blonde hair, and his arms tightened around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

The evening sun's light painted the wall beside them bright orange, and she felt Switzerland start to lower her to the ground in front of the sun-splashed wall. She looked into his bright green eyes and smiled before they kissed again. The hand that had rested at her hip slipped beneath her shirt, and she felt his cold fingers on the bare skin of her stomach when there was a cough from behind them.

"What the-" Switzerland started when he turned around, and they saw Liechtenstein and Sealand staring at them, amused.

"Big brother, remember that if you have sex, you will die," Liechtenstein said, looking at them with an evilly innocent expression before Sealand took her hand and started running, their laughter echoing around the hallway as they left the shocked couple in their wake.

Philippines was mortified that she and Switzerland had been caught until she thought of an idea. She grinned and gave him a look even more innocent that Liechtenstein's.

"Mr. Switzerland, I've been very bad. Perhaps you should teach me a lesson…" She kicked open Switzerland's door and entered his room, smirking. "Oh Mr. Switzerland, haven't you been to school? If you have sex, you will die, but what if we _make love_?"

Let's just say that Switzerland never talked to Liechtenstein about that kind of stuff ever again, because the teacher has finally been taught a lesson.

And also, that lesson has been recorded and sold to almost every nation in attendance of World Meetings, courtesy of Hungary.

And guns can be used in many different ways besides shooting, if you know what I mean.

**Yup. Hungary's still got it. Sorry, Philippines, but it looks like Hungary's still got a few cameras hidden away! Anyway, thanks for the reviews and alerts! Please review!**


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